Friday, May 28, 2010

Sources of Inspiration.

Being an arty type of person i often identify muses in my environment. this sounds wanky but it actually isn't at all. Henry Miller had Anias Nin, Pete Doherty had/has Kate Moss. My muse is more like the ocean on a windy day or coffee underneath a tree.

The closest thing i ever had to a human muse was this boy i went out with in my mid 20's. He and i would paint on his roof top garden and if he hated his work he's simply throw it off into a tree. i LOVED that about him. He was always so intense and present. A large portion of our relationship was dedicated to listening to music or him playing guitar, me singing. And then there were the love letter. We wrote each other letters every day. We lived together by the way but we'd still write love letters with little drawings...occasionally whole comic strips. He still has them and occasionally makes me blush by reciting a random quote.
I think part of it is that physically, he is amazing. I could have painted his eye lashes a thousand different ways or described the curve of his finger tip using nothing but words beginning with Z. For two years, we lived in each others pockets. He'd carry my surf board, i'd cut his hair. We'd cook for each other and sit under the big tree in the back yard on impossibly green grass and talk about what we'd name our children. And about how we'd never brush their hair.

Alas, i lost myself in the romance of it all. i drowned in all the words and the songs. Eventually i stopped using oils because the clean up was too much to deal with. So many jars of murky water and threadbare paint brushes. The intensity was not sustainable and so, stroke by stroke i created another life in which he was not the centre of my universe.

i still have my paintings from that time in my life though and they are quite beautiful. Each canvas has blue biro love heart on the back with his name written right in the centre.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Everything you think and everything you feel is alright.

I just got back from walking along the beach yet again. I go there nearly every day now and walk between 3-4km. It is SO beautiful.

In times of emotional turmoil, i am always drawn to the sea. I remember the day after i kissed my first boyfriend for the first time, i walked to the beach and stood on some slippery rocks. I was so young and confused about what it all meant. If i knew then what i know now, i would have seen the waves toss tiny sea shells into perfect letters. don't do it.

Last year when shit had really hit the fan with The Husband, we went to Vietnam for a family wedding. Just a side note-if your mother in law commits suicide on your wedding anniversary, it's probably not a great idea to go on a family holiday to a foreign country for a wedding, a month later. To say it hit a little too close to the bone is a massive understatement. More like it hacked directly into the marrow and got infected.
Anyway, at one point, Husband was missing in action for a few days. stressful? No! why would that be stressful? It's not like i though he had been killed somewhere and i'd have to call his family and explain that not only was their mother dead but i had now taken their brother to Vietnam in an emotionally unstable state and he'd disappeared in the city never to be seen again.
He did eventually turn up the afternoon before the wedding. One minute I'm staring down the street and the next minute i see him jumping off a bus like it's NORMAL day and as though things had not changed forever and ever and ever.
Anyway, in the few days when i thought i may never see him again, i retreated to the ocean and cried salty tears into the sand. I was just so SAD. I couldn't believe she had gone. i couldn't believe that it had all amounted to this very moment. Already then i knew i had lost him. i knew we wouldn't survive the stacks of grief we were facing. i guess i hoped that sheer will would be enough to pull us through. but deep down i knew.
She was gone. And with her, she had taken him.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Run Spot, Run.

Good Morning!

I have a confession to make. Do not under any circumstances tell my Physio. For some strange and mysterious reason, i pay him $70 a pop to tell me all the things i CANNOT do and to watch me stand on one foot whilst suggesting i drink green tea and take fish oil tablets.
Anyway, i digress. My secret is this: I ran a little bit today. Now before you get all excited, it was probably only 500 meters, but it was 500 meters more that i have run in 2 months. And my foot is not even that sore. And it was beautiful and i remember now why i love it so much. Also, i walked about 3.5k's along the beautiful, beautiful beach. Sea gulls, dogs, old ladies in walking groups, hot young men with no shirts on, palm trees and excellent coffee. i love melbourne.

I really need to remember that walking and getting out of my head motivates me to do homework. It's like my body starts taking over and my little old brain starts think "ah...i don't think so my friend, get back in here...i will entertain you with complex concepts such as how neurobiology impacts upon relatedness. (yes, that is actually something i have been thinking about lately...more specifically attachment theory, brain development and what unmet childhood need led me to marry a commitment phobic, emotional unavailable, ambivalent child. bitter? hmmm.)
What was i saying? oh yes. walking=good for homework. Running=bad for a transparent relationship with the physio.

happy monday.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Someone in this cafe is wearing my ex boyfriends aftershave.

and it's making me gag.

Isn't it funny when the senses remember what the brain has forgetten? The same way the smell of a freshly peeled mandarin transports me to a certain hillside in Southern China or a whiff of Bourban makes me 14 again, kissing my first boyfriend in a vacant lot.
I wonder when all has been said and done, what my body will remember of you? The scratchy wool jumper you used to wear? The smell of ox tail stew? Our wedding song? Maybe just my lone footsteps on the floor boards sounding out a repetitive syllable you you you you you you you

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Part Where The Dust Settles And I Find Myself Still Standing

Hello world.

Well, what a busy last few weeks it has been. I've managed to finish two out of my three essays. I am ignoring the fact i have one more due date sneaking up on me. And i even got one essay back from the teacher and instead of seeing the dreaded CP i was expecting (hey, it was three weeks late and under word count and basically consisted of bizarre ramblings and zero references) i saw a glorious capital D. usually i would demand a recount and search the paper back to front for the missing H, but this time i just let it go. Close enough is good enough at this stage.

I've put a lid on hanging out with the Ex Husband and i feel better for it already. He was skirting around on my periphery and i felt like if i kept engaging in the dynamic of ex wife/ex husband, i was going to lose my mind. I don't like who i am when i am around him. I become someone who says things like "I wish i had never met you." That is even painful to write (although at times it does feel true...who wants to have seen the things i have seen? felt the things i have felt?) I still love the man. I still care about him deeply but the sooner my stupid heart realises that he is gone gone gone gone gone gone the better. Deep breath.

I have an incredible network of friends and some really nice nail polish colours. That's all i need right now.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Back in the game

Helo hello!

Well gues what? i FINALLY went to the physio today about my foot. he said alot of things that i didn't really listen to because, well, i find this type of thing rather boring. "do calf lifts twice a day...blah blah blah....don't run until you can hop....blah blah blah..." But the part that i did listen to is when he said i should be running in between 4 to 8 weeks which is EXCELLENT.

Unfortunately, i also had a session with a personal trainer on Tuesday night and now i can barely walk but you know, small steps.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

2 months single

Hello lovely people or person as the case may be,

I am once again avoiding essays by visiting the beautiful land of the internet.

So. i have been single for a grand total of two months. This is significant to me because i am not usually very good at being single. Before meeting The Husband, i think i had been single for a few months, the boy before that had scooped me up a mere couple of weeks after i'd left the last, and so on and so forth.
The funny thing about it is this: i LOVE being single. I LOVE not having to put up with other peoples moods and issues and, excuse me, shit. It's awesome and liberating.
I know that relationships bring lots of great things into your orbit but so does being single. i have TIME to do things. ENERGY to put into myself. and i can do whatever i want! it's ace. I understand i was in a different situation to most people-my marriage was for the most part, quite stressful as we piled on thing on top of another just to see what would happen. But I feel as though this is giving me my balance back.

Of course the pendulum will swing at some stage and i will crave having someone to walk along the beach with. As for now though, I'm loving setting the pace and being able to stop and look at whatever shells catch my eye!