mum, mama, mother.

Having Little Cwtch has opened up a whole subculture to me.
I've always had contact with mothers-lots of my friends have kids, I've worked with young mum groups, I nannied overseas in my early twenties etc. But now it is full blown immersion into this world of boobs and growth charts and pram envy and mind numbing stories about their dear little babis.
I've had conversations in the street about my boobs with one mother exclaiming "breast is best!" with the kind of pride usually reserved for actual achievements. She later lent in towards me during a swimming lesson (for the babies, not us) and whispered conspiratorially "you know we are the only ones here who breast feed." I mean, how does she even know that? And who cares?
And living in a teeny village certain breeds a certain kind of mama. It's not unusual to have three kids under 3. Or to meet a mum the same age as me that has a newborn....and a couple of teenagers at home. They are farmers wives, endlessly self sacrificing and needless to say, nothing like me.

In amongst them though, I have found some kindred spirits. The women who have moved here by choice. The women who were born in Wales but moved away for years on end then returned to raise a family. The women who look as shell shocked as me after being seduced by green valleys and a welshman. These women have been my lifeline in the last twelve weeks. They are the ones who roll their eyes when people ask "is your baby sleeping through the night yet?" Their hair is usually thrown into a messy pony tail, their shoes are impractical and they accidentally say the F word in a room full of toddlers. Instead of saying "motherhood is fabulous!!" they say "I think somehow I must have given my child amphetamines..."

I guess you are who you are but motherhood adds a new dimension to your personality. The sleep deprivation peels back your defense mechanisms. You become more yourself and less yourself, all at the same time. There's so many steps on the learning curve, so many choices about bottles, slings, co-sleeping, child centred vs adult centred, childcare, work, immunisations, when to start solids, routines? back to work? dummy?
Everyday there is a choice to make about what kind of parent you are. I'm the kind that is ready to move back to a city and the kind that believes drinking coffee will not effect my breast milk.