Updates

Yo.

So a note on my last post-my pyjama pants are actually navy blue velour. They could have almost passed as regular pants however i became paranoid about stepping on the hems and tucked the bottoms into my Converse high tops. As you can imagine, this created a subtle statement about my frame of mind at the time. It was the most boring class on the face of the universe though, so i am really glad i didn't dress up for it.

Guess what? I finished one out of my two very overdue essays. AND i went to the gym tonight. AND i knocked 6 seconds off my rowing all time greatest record time. AND i barely rolled my eyes at anyone at work today AND i had very few murderous thoughts about customers.

Maybe i am slowing getting my shit together? Can this really be happening?

Is it okay to wear pyjama pants to class?

Hi,

I am toying with the notion of blurring boundaries. I have had so many different versions of myself in my lifetime-worker, daughter, wife, friend, girlfriend, sister, best friend, babysitter, aunty etc and i am a bit over the contortion. I just want the one version of myself to live in every aspect of my life. To be all these things at the same time.
I just want to be me. And i am wearing pyjamas to school tonight. If people find me strange, that is their gig, not mine. I have so little time to myself these days and the thought of pulling on jeans is just too much to deal with today. I'm tired, inspired, excited about life and i am someone who wants to wear pyjamas as regular pants. Good.

And it goes on and on and on and on

I've been reading my old blog lately. The one I made private some time last year. It was so RAW. It was real and confronting and it makes me physically pained to read it. I wish i could just scoop myself up and hug that poor poor girl who was lost in a sea of grief. Oh the waves, the rain, the sharks lurking just beneath the surface. Poor girl. But you know what? She kept swimming and as well as hugging her i want to thank her. She was that tiny seed that grew into who i am today. I just wanted to share this post from this time a year ago:

"You smugly congratulate youself for being SO good at grief. Look at me everyone, pretty sure i am in stage 7 already...aren't i strong? Look! i can talk about it without crying. I don't flinch when someone complains about their mother in law. i can even manage a smile when people talk about mothers day. And then.....then it jumps up and slaps the smug right off your face."

I will never forget the grief that held me hostage for a good part of a year. I will never forget the man i lost to that grief. I will never forget what i learnt about my friends and my family during that time. And i will never forget what i learnt about myself in those dark, dark days. I will never forget how it was my own private indulgence, a secret lover who i would visit late at night. It would steal my sleep, my smile, curl it's fist through my heart and wrap itself around my head. I will never forget you and all the things you revealed to me but it's time for us to break up, grief. Take your friends Remorse and Guilt and get the fuck out of my life.

Goodbye grief you suffocating, debilitating, fickle, awful bastard of a thing. I hope i never, ever, ever see your face again.

That time i realised that one day, i will have to get a job.

So today is my first day of semester two in my FINAL year of study. You know what this means right? Yep, i need to start thinking seriously about next year and beyond-more specifically WTF i am going to do in terms of a career. I've had lots of jobs in my lifetime. Some i was AWFUL at...like the time i worked in a furniture store and sold a grand total of nothing the entire time i was there. Some have been not so bad-i ran a fairly successful education site in a job that i was under qualified in, completely unsupported during and fairly overwhelmed by the time i left but overall, i did a pretty good job.
The problem i guess is that the type of job i want doesn't actually exist. I think i just have to come to terms with the fact that it is going to take some networking, negotiation and lots and lots of work and enthusiasm to get this portion of my career off the ground. The other problem is that i secretly just want to write. If truth be told, that would be awesome. Hmmmm....actually....I am going to go and look up writing courses immediately. Maybe this is not my final semester after all!!

dating.

i met a cute boy
now i wish i had kissed him
probably next time.