Paint a cake. Bake a picture.

Winter has well and truly blown in. I stupidly wore a dress to an exhibition on Monday and shivered all the way from 10am to lunch time. brrrrr.

So the date was not a great success. As the great philosopher Scarlett Johansson once said; I'm Just Not That into Him. Meh, you win some, you lose some.

However, i am feeling frightfully positive about my life at the moment. I think it's got something to do with the fact hat i have been doing some work for an organisation and it has been GOOD and MEANINGFUL. My currrent job is great in the way that it leaves brain space for study but this is like a great big juicy oyster that i am sinking my teeth into. That sounded gross. I just meant it in the way that the world is my oyster. And my teeth are my intentions. And the juice is indicative of the substance.

Anyway, i feel good, even though it's cold.

xxx

Project: Get my shit together.

Hello world!!

i recently listed some goals on here and upon review, i have, gasp, actually done them!

Gym: I have gone every single time. How bizarre! I am getting stronger and maybe slightly fitter. It's hard to tell because i have had a cold for two weeks and usually feel a wonderful mix of nausea and detachment when i exert myself but my instincts tell me i am working harder and it's not hurting quite as much. And i went for a 4k walk today just for fun.

School: Glorious, glorious holidays! All essays are UP TO DATE. I cannot believe it. AND i got two back with wonderful big fat HDs written on them, along with comments like "An honest, sincere appraisal and reflection on the process, demonstrating a deep understanding of the principles." That particular essay was quite terrible so either my teacher smokes bongs while he marks my work or i am on to something.

Divorce: Have thought a bit about this one. I do feel like rushing through a divorce is quite reactive and not actually necessary. When the time comes, i will do it, but until then i don't think a piece of paper is going to make me feel any more divorced than i already feel.

Recording songs. Hmmmm. I've dropped the ball on this one a bit. BUT i have written a short story that i am in the process of polishing and that has been my creative focus for the last few weeks.

I think the other goal was something to do with not kissing inappropriate boys (still sort of working on this one....) On second thought, i don't think kissing inappropriate men is really a big problem. I think i just need to be more AWARE of the fact that i should not marry them.

happy wednesday

Happy birthday

Dear Ex husband.

Happy birthday to you. I hope you get everything you deserve. And i mean that. Really, i do.

from the artist formally knows as Wife.

I am going on a date

Next sunday afternoon. Which seems like a strange time to pick but we have conflicting schedules. He's an artist. He writes. I think we'll have a lot to talk about.

I however am like a ball of ridiculousness. going. on. a date. I thought once i was married i wouldn't get to date anyone ever again. and now i am missing the security of knowing i will only have to learn about the one person ever again forever and ever. What if he wears strange shoes? what if he asks me if i am actually still legally married to a man that is now dating a naturopath? What if he knows someone i know and then suddenly remembers he is best friends with my ex husband. or that they went to school together. or he dated his sister. Or we actually met when i was 10 and i tripped him over and threw mud in his eye?

These things could happen! they do happen. It's all so unknown and scary and crazy.....

(and a tiny bit exciting.)

The Perils of Internet Dating.

So i put in my criteria. My perfect man. And you know what it comes up with? My ex boyfriend. All because we read the same books and live close by to each other. And the most annoying part is that he always says "it's not what you're like, it's what you like" and i guess this means we like the same books.
Talk about going around and around in circles. sheesh.

I wish i could write songs like Beyonce

Then i would invite my ex husband to a concert and sing "I don't want to be without you babe, i don't want a broken heart, i don't want to take a breath without you babe, i don't want to play that part" right into his face until it became really uncomfortable and the whole wide world became aware of the pain i have in my heart.

But, because that is not really an option right now, i have decided (with the help of two of my most favourite friends in the world) that all this ANGER can be put into something POSITIVE. What a concept! So instead of sitting in bed and eating chocolate and being so afraid of everything, i am putting some strategies into practice. They are as follows:

1. Do really well at school. REALLY well. Go to every class, pay attention, be present, speak up, listen, draw, get enthused and involved. Finish all my essays without complaining about them too much.

2. Get fit. REALLY fit. Then go to his house and punch the naturopath in the eye. No! that is not what this is about. This is about ME. Me and what i want in my life. So walks on the beach, stretch my weirdo foot, personal training, buy Womens Health magazine. seriously.

3. Get divorced ASAP for my mental health.

4. Stop kissing inappropriate men......eventually. no! be strong. do it immediately. or definitely by next week.

5. Be honest and true to myself in every capacity of my life. Look at the marriage with an open and honest heart and admit to self that perhaps, i had something to do with it falling apart. See a psychologist.

6. Buy a keyboard and start recording some songs. This one seems a little bit off topic but it is something i have been meaning to do for a little while and my brother in law has been asking for some vocals so now is a good time to get it happening. Oh! it's not so off topic considering the way i started this post.

So for number one. i'm going to do a 1000 word essay right now. Its totally easy (and was due a week ago...)

xxxx

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl who used to be in love.
One day, Girl went over to Boys house for dinner. Halfway through, he told her he was dating someone. She laughed so much the house began to shake. Boy told her he had met her last week, that she is a naturopath. Girl laughed so much the roof began to rattle. He told her it was nothing serious and that he knew this might be a big deal for her. She laughed so much that the whole fucking world fell down around her and her chest broke open and her poor, poor heart thumped and bumped right across the universe and he still didn't understand what was so funny.

Awkward moment surrounding divorce #30526

Almost every day something happens or someone says something that makes me feel awkward about getting divorced. It might be running into an old acquaintance and being asked "So how is married life?" or some over familiar customer asking why i don't have my engagement ring on today. My personal favourite is my marriage celebrant questioning the Ex Husbands relationship status update on facebook. Every single time something like this happens, i have this inner dialogue that darts from funny comeback to solemn explanation to witty one liner. Somewhere between Mind Your Own Fucking Business Bitch and bursting into tears, i usually squawk out something that resembles an answer.
The thing is, it's difficult to talk about. People ask WHY? What happened? and unless they have the next 30 years to talk about mental health and discuss communication and commitment issue then i cannot even give them a glimpse into What Went Wrong. I've tried putting it into a sentence:
"We just got to serious too quickly and it wasn't sustainable." "His mum died and shit just hit that fan from there really." "We both have a problem committing to things and i guess with the added pressure of both studying as well as the grief, it just imploded" "I still love him, I'm just not in love with him." "I'm a fucking idiot for getting married in the first place." "I didn't know then what i know now."
But it all boils down to this: I had faith that i could make that marriage work. I thought sheer will and a strong determination to stay committed would be enough. I thought if i bit my tongue, carried the load, cleaned the god damned house and gave him every single little piece of me then it would make it work. I thought i could carry him kicking and screaming through the waves of grief and that i could be strong enough for two. But i was wrong.
"We got married because we thought it was as simple as being in love. But we were wrong."

Three month mark

Hi everyone! (yes, let me just imagine for a moment that hundreds of people will read this.)

i have discovered this thing called exercise and it is hurting my body. i boxed last night. yes! boxed. As in punched a (very good looking) man in the hands whilst wearing gloves. It was very satisfying and i may have to do it again soon.

So i've been single for three months this week. Wow. That is really cool. Every month that i am single feels like time i have stolen away from my usual self who would be engaged to someone right now if past experience is anything to go by. I think current self and former self need to have a little conversation about what all that was about.