Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Paintbrushes, running and the first day of Spring.

Well hello there dear reader(s)

I've just had a particularly good session with a client-despite the fact i forgot to take paint, paintbrushes or any drawing implements to an art therapy session. Thank goodness my car is FULL of crap such as beads, wire, PVA and felt. What sort of an art therapist forgets to take paint? This kind i tells ya.
Anyway, my client was talking about how she has "landed in her body." i love that idea. That her body was waiting or her all along and suddenly, through a series of art, exercise, extensive counselling and reflection, she finally feels present; awake, aware.

I often have times where i feel myself slipping into the ether of anxiety, busyness (not to be confused with business....), or simply behaviours that fall under the very broad umbrella of Not Being True To Myself. Those times where my inner voice is drowned out by fears or denial or, often, being too tired to listen. My heart flies off into the universe and i have to search my pockets for the tiny piece of thread that anchors it to my body. Then it's just a matter of tugging and twisting until it finds it's way back where it it belongs.

It's hard to get there sometimes though. It's hard to always do the right thing for yourself. Especially when being true to ourself lives inside a can of worm which you may or may not want to open. But at the end of the day, i am brave enough to say no. I am brave enough to disappoint, put my hand up and ask for help. I am brave enough to honor myself and look inside my little soul with the quiet question of "what is it that you really want?" The answer is not always easy to find and often even harder to achieve.

But as my client sat there today, talking about landing back in her body, I couldn't help but think that for all our differences, for every single experience that is miles away from my own, we are one and the same.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Hearts Memory and The Absolute Truth.


So that's the name for the short story.

I like it. It's a comment on the he says, she says nature of perspective when it comes to relationships. I mean, there is always your truth then the other persons truth then somewhere in between that is the absolute truth (which does not really exist except when saying "the only absolute truth is that there is no absolute truth" which is just a contradiction really now isn't it?)
Anyway, i like it because of the reference to Love In The Time Of Cholera. And i like the length of it. I think it is intriguing. I would read a story called that. Yes.

In running related news:
My ipod was STOLEN and along with it, my much loved jogging playlist. The good news is, i can now buy a better ipod AND create an even better playlist full of Beyonce, Rihanna and you know what else? Some songs from the Lion King. I know, i know...it seems lame. But someone put it on at the gym the other night and it was surprisingly uplifting. Not as surprising as the amount of videos people have put on you tube from the Lion King but still. Who would have thunk it?




Talking about the gym, i better put my runners on.

Happy Tuesday!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Don't run with chewing gum in your mouth.




Last night at the gym i ran on 14. i know out of context, this number means nothing to most people. But let me tell you, it is fast. it's almost a sprint i would say. As soon as we started i knocked off a kilometer and a half on the treadmill before doing evil things to my abs. Then i got back on and went again and for some stupid reason i was all like "make it REALLY fast" to my trainer.THEN I spent some time looking in the mirror and wondering why my face was so red while he asked me if i was going to faint. (I didn't. I am more of a spewer than a fainter.)

Last week felt quite out of control. Like the universe teamed up with mother nature to whip me around in a merciless game of Past and Present Collide to Remind You That Life is whatever that word is that means fluid and changeable and ever evolving. But i am back in the drivers seat. My house is a mess, my hair needs cutting, my life needs minor repairs but at least i am holding the steering wheel again. Thank goodness for running and painting and coffee.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Working title.



So my friends, the time has come for me to submit this short story i have been working on.

The thing is, i really need a title for it. A good friend suggested "Ground Up" as a triple entendre reflecting the themes of death, pain and rebuilding, but i think perhaps it's a little heavy. I have been using "Girl Meets Boy" as the document name and i wonder if i should just stick with that.
Although the story is heavy in parts, it also has elements of whimsy and magic so i'd like to come up with something that encompasses all of that. I also thought about giving it a really long title like "That time she started getting mysterious letters delivered to her but she didn't know where they were coming from" but it might not print well.
The story is about a series of letters so maybe that's what i need to focus on. hmmmm. Maybe i can just call it "Love letters." Too girly? Too annoying? sounds too much like The Notebook for my liking.
What about "How To Write A Love Story."

hmmm.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Bret Easton Ellis

He is so cool. Even his first name is cool. Bret. Only one t! You were born cool Bret. You really, really were.

I met him last night. He talked about doing blow off the hood of a Ferarri (fictional) and a bar (non fiction.) He talked about "the process" which apparently does not exist except for the fact that when you are a writer, you cannot help but write. He talked about influences, obscure authors i had never heard of, bitchy interviewers, grinder, Delta Goodrum. I LOVE him.
And afterwards, I touched his shoulder and tried not to propose.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Stress Less Princess.

I used to work with young people-young women mostly at one stage of my "career." (yes, i am still in denial that i have one)
Anyway, there was this group to help young women deal with stress and the participants called it "Stress Less Princess." I love that even though most of these kids were facing seemingly insummountable challenges in their lives, they could break it down to something so simple.

I'm taking a leaf out of their book.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I guess it comes down to making a choice.

Life is full of choices. This is not the first time i have written about this. I feel change is on my horizon. I have a choice to make; I can live the rest of my life clinging to the shards and fragments of my former life. I can keep myself warm with guilt and responsibility. I can hide in denial, use the phrase I Will Never Forgive Myself to keep the pain of loss somewhere in check.

Or.

I can pack all her stuff into a box and give it to my ex husband. I can place it on his lap and say "This is not mine to carry anymore." I can let go of carrying his grief for him. I can smile at strangers and make peace with the fact that she is gone, that he is gone.
I can choose happiness and change. I can choose a life filled with possibility and positivity, laughter and love. I can start living the life she never knew how to live and the life that i hope he someday will. Yes it's sad that she died, it will never not be sad, but this grief CANNOT eclipse my life anymore. Her death and our divorce is so tangled up in my head, like a two for the price of one trauma sale. But i am letting it go.
Our divorce is not my failure. Her death was not my fault. I am only in charge of my own choices.
This is what i choose for myself, right here, right now.
I choose hope.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Times i am really glad that i am no longer married.

1. When i blow dry my hair. My engagement ring used to heat up and burn my finger and now it does not. Because it lives in a drawer.
2. When my ex husband calls me and tells me he is moving in with his sister. Starting to think that perhaps he is a little bit stranger than i may have realised.
3. When i kiss a cute boy on the couch and he runs his fingers through my hair and i think holy fuck, it has been a long time since anyone looked at me like that.
4. When someone at work comes up to me in the kitchen and says "Oh, so you're the art therapist i keep hearing about...." (the fact that i was washing paint brushes in the sink was the give away) and i think "Yeah. I guess I am." Because in all the grief and loss and divorce and misery of the last year and a half, somewhere in the background, i have been working hard to get a new career off the ground. And it happened. And i would not have done it if i had not had the time and space of Not Being Married.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Don't think, just run.

I love running. I really, really LOVE it.

Last night at the gym i ran for ages on the treadmill. Level 8 is like a jog, 9 is fun, 10 is challenging and 11 is where i would like to live if a state of mind was a tangible place. It's the breathlessness, the pain, the rhythm. I really love it. And guess what? My ankle is totally fine. It gets a bit stiff and achy now and then but i don't even care.

In other news, i have made a to do list that is 19 bullet points long. This is all in the spirit of Getting On With My Life and Closing The Door On Past Chapters. Better go get started.

xxxx

Sunday, August 1, 2010

One of the problems

I guess one of the main problems is that for me, romantic relationships now come with this overall feeling of responsibility and tongue biting self sacrifice. Relationship. Ugh. Makes me feel cagey and trapped and like i need to step outside of myself to stay sane. Even typing this is encouraging a hot, prickly rash to crawl its way up the back of my neck and making my digestive system clench itself up, inch by inch until my throat's closed over the lump that has been sitting there for a year and a half.
I am 29 years old and I am scared to death of ever letting anyone into my heart again.