Jane Eyre, pregnancy hormones and long, lost trauma.

I saw Jane Eyre last night. God, it was so beautiful. It was like reading the book, only less effort and more malteasers. Is that how malteasers is really spelt? Malt. Teasers. What a clever name. Well I'll be.
I bawled at the end of the movie and was about to blame my reckless hormones when i realised my two companions were also bawling. What is it with love that makes us cry? They didn't even seem that particularly happy in the end. i don't even know if they are REALLY a good couple. But I cried anyway.

Then i had dinner with a few friends and we sat outside because it is boiling hot at the moment even though it is Wales, and we talked about our first marriages. God. Talk about depressing. I didn't really talk much about my first marriage. I don't know how to describe it to strangers. I don't hate him, we didn't divorce because of mental abuse, there was no cheating, no putting work before me, no stress because of the kids. I can't really explain who we were as a couple. Who I was back then. And i certainly can't talk about his mum dying. I can to friends. Not to people I have only known for a few months though. I get all breathless if I am put on the spot. I claim the baby is sitting on my lungs. But she's not. I just can't share something like that with people who might be careless with it.
It was her birthday last week. I didn't tell anyone. Not even Welsh. This is not moving on. It is burying. But it feels wrong to move grief into this house with us. I am not even sure that it is still grief i am feeling. It's just planning this wedding and having phone calls from my mother in law to be and watching Jane Eyre and becoming a mother myself in 6-8 weeks.

Because she died on our wedding anniversary, everything to do with our marriage became tainted. I don't know if she meant it or not. i don't know if she knew the impact it would have on our lives. I don't know if she secretly resented all the time i stole away from her with my husband. i don't know if he secretly resented me for marrying him and giving her a date on which to do it. I don't know if we'd still be married had she not died. I don't know if she'd be my ex mother in law rather than my mother in law. Who is dead. Who is about to be replaced with another women who can still call me early on a Sunday morning and chat about flower girl dresses. I don't know if there is a heaven or hell or if she can see us both now and what on Earth she would make of the lives me now lead. I have this feeling that she would be horrified. She would say "Oh my goodness, did you really think I killed myself to hurt you? Of course you must know I love you both, of course I would never deliberately break your hearts. I died because i was depressed and I thought you two would look after one another."

All this guessing. All these questions. They amount to nothing really. You make your peace or you go crazy.
Or you run halfway across the world and try to start again.