And it goes on and on and on and on

I've been reading my old blog lately. The one I made private some time last year. It was so RAW. It was real and confronting and it makes me physically pained to read it. I wish i could just scoop myself up and hug that poor poor girl who was lost in a sea of grief. Oh the waves, the rain, the sharks lurking just beneath the surface. Poor girl. But you know what? She kept swimming and as well as hugging her i want to thank her. She was that tiny seed that grew into who i am today. I just wanted to share this post from this time a year ago:

"You smugly congratulate youself for being SO good at grief. Look at me everyone, pretty sure i am in stage 7 already...aren't i strong? Look! i can talk about it without crying. I don't flinch when someone complains about their mother in law. i can even manage a smile when people talk about mothers day. And then.....then it jumps up and slaps the smug right off your face."

I will never forget the grief that held me hostage for a good part of a year. I will never forget the man i lost to that grief. I will never forget what i learnt about my friends and my family during that time. And i will never forget what i learnt about myself in those dark, dark days. I will never forget how it was my own private indulgence, a secret lover who i would visit late at night. It would steal my sleep, my smile, curl it's fist through my heart and wrap itself around my head. I will never forget you and all the things you revealed to me but it's time for us to break up, grief. Take your friends Remorse and Guilt and get the fuck out of my life.

Goodbye grief you suffocating, debilitating, fickle, awful bastard of a thing. I hope i never, ever, ever see your face again.