Hearts memory.

ahhhhh! guess what? I am totally better!

I had a parasite. The only good thing about having a parasite is that it gave one of my sisters an opportunity to say "night, night parasite" which i find hilarious for some weird reason.

I also had a chance to take time off work and chill out emotionally. I think finishing school and going away and coming back to work was all a bit intense. I feel like my mind is much quieter now. i don't feel as impatient. I cried last night for the first time in a few weeks. (I know that does not seem like a long time, but it is in my world. i laugh alot, i cry alot. That's just the way it is for me.) It was good to get it out and i guess i kinda know why i have been sensitive lately.

This whole love, divorce, loving again thing is difficult to swallow. It's so scary and weird at times. I have this sense that the closer i get to Welsh, the more i am remembering how much i have lost. It's as though i forgot how deep my capacity for connection is, because my marriage was well and truly off the rails. Now just being with someone in that way-the hand holding, the dancing on the beach for no reason, the laughing, makes me recall that I had that once with someone else. I had the butterflies and the I love you toos and the inside jokes and the i get yous. And he was my best friend and the most amazing man that, that 25 year old girl had ever met. Then it all turned to shit, basically.

But it was not always like that. Oh no, it was not always like that at all. And now i remember and i finally understand why I jumped both feet in and gasped "YES!" when, after 8 weeks, he proposed. I get it. I was not silly or crazy or irrational. i was in love.