An open letter.

And so this is Christmas.

In all the present buying, 50 hour working week, wine drinking on monday night madness, i have crash banged right up against my unfinished business.
Why does Christmas do this to us? The thought of the year ending automatically brings up a "yessssnooooooooo" feeling for me. On the one hand, i cannot wait for it to be over, but then on the other? That will mean it is over. I wonder why we find it so hard to let go of the things that hurt us?

At this point, the ex husband and i are no longer speaking. It's horrible and it's hard, but it is what has to happen if we have any hope of moving forward without each other. So in place of all the things i would like to tell him this Christmas, I thought an open letter was in order. I mean, it has to go somewhere doesn't it?

Dear L,

I've been thinking about you these last few days, quite a lot actually.
I keep thinking about last Christmas and that treasure hunt and of course my pink bike. I've been thinking also about the Christmas before which is almost too painful to look at. When i glance into that corner of my brain, i see you again. The you that I adored so very, very much. We are sitting at your brothers, and pulling bon-bons and your mum is there. She's dressed all in white and has a goofy paper hat on and a baby in her arms. She looks so happy. She really seems so happy.
I cannot bear to think about what came before or after that minute in time. It hurts too much to remember who we were then.

The other thing i've been thinking about is our first Christmas together. About how you played santa and put out stockings for us in the middle of the night. When i saw them in the morning, for a split second i was 5 years old again. I gasped because for a second, santa was real! You had bought magic into my life.

I think i have been scared to remember the good times. It's easier to believe that the whole thing was a lie. That it was just a matter of making a mistake, of marrying the wrong person. Feeling like I married the right person but then lost you is just too devastating. It makes me miss you too much.

I am sorry that this Christmas, we are not speaking. I am so sorry that the things i do hurt you. I wish things had been different, that we had been different, that i could tug on those hands of time and rewrite this whole story. Mostly i am just sorry that we turned out to be like every other couple who breaks up in the world. I'm sorry. When we broke up, i was relieved that I wouldn't have to deal with the grief anymore, that your fucked up family was no longer mine. I am so sorry for feeling that way. I miss them, warts and all, more than i can explain.

It is not your fault. It never was. It's not your mums fault either. No one is to blame. I cannot remember much from what your mum wrote in that last note, but i do remember her asking for forgiveness. So i want you to know that I forgive you for everything and I am working on forgiving myself.

I know you, and i know this Christmas will be a hard one for you. But you have faced worse things in your life and things can really, only get better. And they will. That's my wish for you L, today and always, that the happiness we felt with each other reappears someday. It won't be this Christmas, but maybe by the next?

I trust you. I trust that you are living the kind of life that you want to live. Beyond that, there is nothing else i can do.

Merry Christmas L, and a happy new year.