Everything you think and everything you feel is alright.

I just got back from walking along the beach yet again. I go there nearly every day now and walk between 3-4km. It is SO beautiful.

In times of emotional turmoil, i am always drawn to the sea. I remember the day after i kissed my first boyfriend for the first time, i walked to the beach and stood on some slippery rocks. I was so young and confused about what it all meant. If i knew then what i know now, i would have seen the waves toss tiny sea shells into perfect letters. don't do it.

Last year when shit had really hit the fan with The Husband, we went to Vietnam for a family wedding. Just a side note-if your mother in law commits suicide on your wedding anniversary, it's probably not a great idea to go on a family holiday to a foreign country for a wedding, a month later. To say it hit a little too close to the bone is a massive understatement. More like it hacked directly into the marrow and got infected.
Anyway, at one point, Husband was missing in action for a few days. stressful? No! why would that be stressful? It's not like i though he had been killed somewhere and i'd have to call his family and explain that not only was their mother dead but i had now taken their brother to Vietnam in an emotionally unstable state and he'd disappeared in the city never to be seen again.
He did eventually turn up the afternoon before the wedding. One minute I'm staring down the street and the next minute i see him jumping off a bus like it's NORMAL day and as though things had not changed forever and ever and ever.
Anyway, in the few days when i thought i may never see him again, i retreated to the ocean and cried salty tears into the sand. I was just so SAD. I couldn't believe she had gone. i couldn't believe that it had all amounted to this very moment. Already then i knew i had lost him. i knew we wouldn't survive the stacks of grief we were facing. i guess i hoped that sheer will would be enough to pull us through. but deep down i knew.
She was gone. And with her, she had taken him.