How to: Get over a divorce.

For me, divorce is not like any other kind of break up i have been through. Maybe i was never really in love before. Maybe it is the breaking apart of hopes and dreams of your future together. Maybe it's as simple as timing and age and other compounding factors.
Whatever the reason, my divorce hit me like a ton of bricks. And those bricks sat, sat, sat on my shoulders for a long time.

I considered having an Elizabeth Gilbert moment and moving to another country. I thought about quitting my job, dropping out of school, adopting a little baby and moving to the country side. Therapy, begging for forgiveness, promising to change, burning down his house. These were all options.

But instead, I ran.

3 days after we separated i put on my sneakers and i ran. The day after that, i ran again. And the day after that, i met my personal trainer for the first time. I ran until i could run past the park where we said our wedding vows, without stopping. I ran until his house was just a blur on my periphery as I sped past. I ran until my ankle packed it in and my knee stopped bending. Then i flirted with my Physio until i could run again.
I pounded the treadmill.
Kicked a boxing bag.
I ran, ran, ran until my lungs ached and my heart didn't.

With each step, i thought of him. I thought of our lives. I thought of who i really want to be, the kind of relationship i would one day hope to have. i thought about how sad i was when we were together. I thought about that all encompassing grief that swallowed us whole. I thought about his face, his smile, and his sad, sad eyes. I thought about me. I thought about putting myself first for a change. I thought about where i want to work, who i want to spend time with, who i want to become. And each time my foot hit the ground, I let it go a little.

And through it all, i lost weight. A kg of bitterness, 600 grams of blame, an ounce of guilt. All adding up to that ton of bricks that fell all those months ago.

And I suppose, my dear friends, that is how i got over my divorce.

I still love running. But today i think I'll just walk.

xxxx