"The hardest thing we'll ever face"

Life is funny isn't it?

Three years ago, if someone had of told me what the next few years would hold for me, i would have laughed in their face. I was single, 25 years old with the world at my doorstep, finger planted firmly on the doorbell.

When i first met my husband, we worked together. Starting a relationship when he was my superior seemed like an exciting idea. Throw in the fact that he was already kind of seeing someone and i thought i had a bit of a challenge on my hands. "I'm going to marry him!" i told my friends, before we had even kissed. And when we finally did, I was nervous to talk to my boss about our budding relationship. But, we took the bull by the horns and i remember thinking, "if this is the hardest thing we face as a couple, then we are doing alright." I was so smug.

Fast forward 10 months to our wedding. That's right! What better way to get to know someone than planning a wedding? Arguments with his mum about the guest list, trying to find a cheap but cheerful location, all the while holding tight to the mantra "this is supposed to be fun, this is supposed to be fun...." Again, i would have LOVED it if that challenge was the hardest thing we ever had to overcome.

A few months later, in a remote jungle in Thailand, my husband suddenly goes into anaphylaxis. A very frightening ordeal. Makeshift ambulance. His face unrecognisable. My fear of needles suddenly absent as i watch to make sure everything is clean and okay. Oh how I wish i could say that was the scariest night of my life.

And then came our one year wedding anniversary. Champagne, fancy restaurant, his mobile phone ringing again and again. His eyes on me, telling me what i already knew in my heart. His mum. Dead. Suicide. By the time he opened his mouth, he was a different man. On the way to her house that night i remember thinking "Please God, let this be the very worst thing we can face. Please don't give us more than this, so soon."

The doctor looks at us and says "I'm sure somebody, somewhere, that shares such a severe kind of uterus defect, has given birth to healthy child.....but don't even think about trying" I try not to cry. I look up adoption, surgery, start thinking maybe i can bribe one of my sisters. I suggest this idea to my husband. His reply? "Whatever you think honey." Something doesn't feel right. I cannot face this alone.

Our two year wedding anniversary and my husband is long gone. Grief swallowed him up and spat out someone that looks remarkably similar but who has, inevitably, changed. Change i can handle. Growth is awesome. I am all about self discovery in fact. But this man needs to be alone.
When his mum died, he needed to find out who he was. Not as a husband, not as the son of a mentally unwell mother, but as a man. Unfortunately for me, at the end of that process, he came face to face with a version of himself that can no longer be in this marriage. And the thing is, i CANNOT begrudge him this. I care so much about this man that i would give anything for him to be happy. Even a divorce.

We are no longer in love. We have run our race. And that my friends, is the hardest thing we'll ever face.