Almost every day something happens or someone says something that makes me feel awkward about getting divorced. It might be running into an old acquaintance and being asked "So how is married life?" or some over familiar customer asking why i don't have my engagement ring on today. My personal favourite is my marriage celebrant questioning the Ex Husbands relationship status update on facebook. Every single time something like this happens, i have this inner dialogue that darts from funny comeback to solemn explanation to witty one liner. Somewhere between Mind Your Own Fucking Business Bitch and bursting into tears, i usually squawk out something that resembles an answer.
The thing is, it's difficult to talk about. People ask WHY? What happened? and unless they have the next 30 years to talk about mental health and discuss communication and commitment issue then i cannot even give them a glimpse into What Went Wrong. I've tried putting it into a sentence:
"We just got to serious too quickly and it wasn't sustainable." "His mum died and shit just hit that fan from there really." "We both have a problem committing to things and i guess with the added pressure of both studying as well as the grief, it just imploded" "I still love him, I'm just not in love with him." "I'm a fucking idiot for getting married in the first place." "I didn't know then what i know now."
But it all boils down to this: I had faith that i could make that marriage work. I thought sheer will and a strong determination to stay committed would be enough. I thought if i bit my tongue, carried the load, cleaned the god damned house and gave him every single little piece of me then it would make it work. I thought i could carry him kicking and screaming through the waves of grief and that i could be strong enough for two. But i was wrong.
"We got married because we thought it was as simple as being in love. But we were wrong."
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