i heart holidays

ahhhhhh...can you hear that sound?

that is me exhaling for the first time in weeks. Finally, FINALLY school holidays have come. I can usually work out how traumatised i am by a situation by applying a simple equation: classes missed x sleepless nights divided by nights out with my friends=weeks it will take me to get over it. By this logic, i am doing pretty well with the whole divorce gig. I missed only three classes compared to about 74 last year. And i have been having sleepless nights, but not due to stress. It's more due to being so busy and getting home at 2am. opps.

So friends, this is the week of The Big Move. I feel nervous about living with a stranger. I feel insecure about making such a big decision all on my little lonesome. But i also feel really optimistic that this is the right choice for me. And hopeful that this will still be The Best Year Ever. I also feel like getting quite drunk and dancing on a table. strange.

Weight Loss for Dummies.

Well.

I have not jogged for hmmm, two weeks now. But i weighed myself this morning and was shocked to see that since i have been home from Malaysia, i have lost 4.5 kilos. Now before you get all mortified, i am still smack bang in the middle of "healthy" on the BMI scale and i did put on a few kay gees whilst in Malaysia.
Anyway, i am putting this weight loss down to a few factors and have entitled this successful program;

The Emotional Rollarcoaster Diet.

Preparation: Meet an entirely unsuitable man. Marry him. Two years and four days later, sit in a cafe and hear the almost comical statement of I love you, i'm just not In love with you. Laugh a little bit.

Whilst dealing with the divorce and all the gory repercussions, loosely follow these instructions:

Saturday: Wake up and decide to skip your class. Feel guilty for a moment before realising that today is the day that you are going to meet your favourite reality TV star Whitney Port! Get a bit of sunstroke, laugh until you almost vomit and jump unexpectedly on a friend in the middle of the city. Go to bed that night exhausted and euphoric.

Sunday: Go to work on a sunday. Let me repeat for those in the cheap seats. Go to work. On a Sunday. Booooooooo.

Monday: work again. Massive bore. Then, go over to an old friends house for dinner. End up talking until after midnight about the last nine years. Cry a little bit into a napkin and discuss the perils of internet dating. Drive home tired, but happy.

Tuesday: wake up early and disoriented. Work. Boring. Call your mum-it's her birthday. Realise this is the first time you have spoken to her in three weeks. Go straight from work to check out a potential new home. Meet potential new house mate. Spend an hour laughing and fail to talk about anything relevant ie do either of us own a fridge? Go to bed that night with your fingers crossed that she like you as much as you liked her.

Wednesday: WORK AGAIN! Get an early SMS-from your new housemate! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. wonder why it makes you feel like crying. Go to class. avoid telling anyone about your new house in fear it will lead to a discussion about why the hell you are looking for a new house in the first place. Wonder how you are studying Art Therapy but have managed to avoid opening that particular can of worms in class. hmmm. Get home, phone call. Someone has had a little baby. Have a little tear.

Thursday. Oh my god are you seriously going to work again? School afterwards. home. blog about weight loss while eating pizza shapes on the couch.

And there you have it boys and girls. Follow at your own risk!

bleak street

I realise that my posts have been quite negative of late. It's awesome to have a place to vent and be real. But in honor of that realness, i feel it's only fair to present a balanced view into my psyche.

In times of crisis, it is so awesome to know i have millions of people in my corner. I just wanted to put my thanks out into the universe by mentioning this. My beautiful friend Kate who has seen me cry in most cafes around melbourne over the last 12 months is an incredible pillar of strength in my life. Plus she has had a go at this whole divorce gig so that is invaluable. My sis A has given me a bed to sleep in, a dog to cuddle, boosters such as "you have the hottest natural boobs ever" as well as phone calls 24/7 to check i am still alive! Sis B has called me three times in the last few days. May not seem amazing but she is HOLIDAYING IN ANOTHER COUNTRY. She has two kids and is on holidays but still she checks in to say she's thinking of me. awesome. I've been getting cyber love and sms support from my beautiful friend Jessi and as soon as i get a day to myself, we are heading off for massages and pampering.

On that note,
Goodnight!

"The hardest thing we'll ever face"

Life is funny isn't it?

Three years ago, if someone had of told me what the next few years would hold for me, i would have laughed in their face. I was single, 25 years old with the world at my doorstep, finger planted firmly on the doorbell.

When i first met my husband, we worked together. Starting a relationship when he was my superior seemed like an exciting idea. Throw in the fact that he was already kind of seeing someone and i thought i had a bit of a challenge on my hands. "I'm going to marry him!" i told my friends, before we had even kissed. And when we finally did, I was nervous to talk to my boss about our budding relationship. But, we took the bull by the horns and i remember thinking, "if this is the hardest thing we face as a couple, then we are doing alright." I was so smug.

Fast forward 10 months to our wedding. That's right! What better way to get to know someone than planning a wedding? Arguments with his mum about the guest list, trying to find a cheap but cheerful location, all the while holding tight to the mantra "this is supposed to be fun, this is supposed to be fun...." Again, i would have LOVED it if that challenge was the hardest thing we ever had to overcome.

A few months later, in a remote jungle in Thailand, my husband suddenly goes into anaphylaxis. A very frightening ordeal. Makeshift ambulance. His face unrecognisable. My fear of needles suddenly absent as i watch to make sure everything is clean and okay. Oh how I wish i could say that was the scariest night of my life.

And then came our one year wedding anniversary. Champagne, fancy restaurant, his mobile phone ringing again and again. His eyes on me, telling me what i already knew in my heart. His mum. Dead. Suicide. By the time he opened his mouth, he was a different man. On the way to her house that night i remember thinking "Please God, let this be the very worst thing we can face. Please don't give us more than this, so soon."

The doctor looks at us and says "I'm sure somebody, somewhere, that shares such a severe kind of uterus defect, has given birth to healthy child.....but don't even think about trying" I try not to cry. I look up adoption, surgery, start thinking maybe i can bribe one of my sisters. I suggest this idea to my husband. His reply? "Whatever you think honey." Something doesn't feel right. I cannot face this alone.

Our two year wedding anniversary and my husband is long gone. Grief swallowed him up and spat out someone that looks remarkably similar but who has, inevitably, changed. Change i can handle. Growth is awesome. I am all about self discovery in fact. But this man needs to be alone.
When his mum died, he needed to find out who he was. Not as a husband, not as the son of a mentally unwell mother, but as a man. Unfortunately for me, at the end of that process, he came face to face with a version of himself that can no longer be in this marriage. And the thing is, i CANNOT begrudge him this. I care so much about this man that i would give anything for him to be happy. Even a divorce.

We are no longer in love. We have run our race. And that my friends, is the hardest thing we'll ever face.

The Divorce Diaries

Considering i no longer run due to a troublesome foot, the universe saw it fit that i should be given another challenge to blog about. naughty universe.

I am currently in the midst of a very painful, very messy (when are they not messy?) separation. Painful because i do love my husband (ex husband? former lover? man-who-i-live-with-but-who-sleeps-in-the-lounge?) and messy because how do you chop a single life down the middle and divide impossible things, like a cat for example? It's such a complex, agonising ordeal and although my focus is on compassion and grace, i do feel bitterness and fury sneaking in the window, late at night, to steal my good nights sleep.

There's so much i have to learn from this episode in my life. Number one is: Why did i marry someone i didn't really know that well?

Lots to think about. Lots of chocolate to eat.

xxxx

back in the game.

After a really crap week i woke up this morning and decided to run regardless of my foot and it's naughtiness.

I'm so glad i did because my foot is actually FINE. It doesn't even hurt. I'm still going to get a new pair of runners and ice it up after running but maybe it just needed a little rest. maybe it was just a reminder to slow down.

Distance covered-3.75km

In other news, here are some good things that have come out of a crappy weekend:

i have discovered something awesome. or i should say my sister discovered it about 10 years ago and i just caught up. i am talking about DRY SHAMPOO. shampoo in a can. It is awesome. I have really long hair and to wash and dry it takes at least an hour. correct, a whole hour, that could be used for things like eating chocolate and drinking cocktail. awesome.

I spent a beautiful day with these two:



who never fail to make me laugh and always remind me how simple and beautiful life really is. (and their mum encourages midday naps which suits me just fine. If you have never napped alongside a snoring little baby, you are missing out. so beautiful.)

I also spent a couple of nights with my middle sister. We talked about midlife crisis, the complexities of violent crime, why the suicide rate is so high in Japan, RSVP dating, plastic surgery, wrinkles and boobs. I always love my time with her.xxxx

And somewhere in there i caught up with a group of girls and spent an evening laughing my head off and thanking my lucky stars that i am so fortunate to have my friends.

Happy Monday

A bad year.

Last year was a TERRIBLE year.
I am not just being dramatic...it was really bad.

And now this year is shaping up to be just as awful. What is the secret to dealing with life when it goes pear shaped? Optimism? Wine? Positive attitude? That all sounds like denial in disguise.
Maybe i need to let the shit be shit. Just live it and experience it and then pick myself up at the end of it.

Things I've Been Doing When i Should Have Been Running.

The danged universe and it's cheeky blips still have me motionless with tendon issues.
I'm pretty sure it is just a strain but i am staying off it anyway just in case it gets promoted to some sort of horrifying Achilles tendon snapping nightmare. Next week i am going to run on grass and buy some new sneakers just to ease back into it gently.

I do miss running but I've loved having time to myself that doesn't involve an ipod and a fair amount of pain.

So yesterday i found myself in the midst of our first Autumn day. I love Autumn. It reminds me of my wedding day and wearing scarves and the click click click of the heater. My cat loves Autumn too.