Life is full of choices. This is not the first time i have written about this. I feel change is on my horizon. I have a choice to make; I can live the rest of my life clinging to the shards and fragments of my former life. I can keep myself warm with guilt and responsibility. I can hide in denial, use the phrase I Will Never Forgive Myself to keep the pain of loss somewhere in check.
Or.
I can pack all her stuff into a box and give it to my ex husband. I can place it on his lap and say "This is not mine to carry anymore." I can let go of carrying his grief for him. I can smile at strangers and make peace with the fact that she is gone, that he is gone.
I can choose happiness and change. I can choose a life filled with possibility and positivity, laughter and love. I can start living the life she never knew how to live and the life that i hope he someday will. Yes it's sad that she died, it will never not be sad, but this grief CANNOT eclipse my life anymore. Her death and our divorce is so tangled up in my head, like a two for the price of one trauma sale. But i am letting it go.
Our divorce is not my failure. Her death was not my fault. I am only in charge of my own choices.
This is what i choose for myself, right here, right now.
I choose hope.
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