He asked me out to dinner, in front of my ex husband

and I was stuck half way between mortified and mildly impressed.
He is ballsy, i will give him that.
Insensitive? Most definitely.
Death wish? Potentially.

Later, someone asked if we were on a date. I said we were married. Which is true. Just not to each other.

I had my last class today!!!

The journey so far has been quite a trip
There’s been times when i’ve stumbled,
sometimes i still slip,
But the people I’ve met!
The truths that I’ve seen!
I’m humbled, we’ve tumbled,
through forests of green
and red and black and every other colour
always there to support one another.
And from high up here, at the top of the tree,
I realise what i’ve been looking for,
And i found it.
It’s me.


lots of love from the girl who is one essay away from being an Art Therapist.
x

The Stress Express.

All aboard.

My first mistake was buying a Jonathan Safran Foer novel. "I'll read it later." I told myself, already knowing that that, was a humongous lie.
Then there was the stroll to the cafe. "I need coffee considering i am giving it up in a few days."
Oh...and face book. The perils of social networking.
And of course the phone calls to friends, sampling perfume at this gorgeous little shop around the corner, offering my sister a car ride, and of course obsessing over an opening line.

All these things have led me to: 24 hours until my final presentation of my student career and not one word being actually written on the page.

Toot toot.

The thing about grief is:

It gets really boring.
And it attaches itself to people you once loved.
It's hard to let go of because it's all i have left of you.


The other thing is that it fades. Everyone always said "give it time, it is early days." and i could NEVER imagine that the feelings would go away. I forgot who i was for awhile there. I did not feel like me, that's for sure. I felt like a shadowy, sleepy, cynical, bitter mess.

i feel shiny again. Finally.


xxxxx

This is how my train of thought is working right now.

"hmm...i should stop drinking so much coffee. Maybe i will give it up when i finish school! Maybe i can go all new age and only order green tea or something soy! And yoga! That's what I'll do, I'll take up yoga and only drink green tea. Maybe i could open up a yoga studio! It would be community based and all my friends could come and hang out there and we'd drink green tea together or soy decaf lattes. My dad could build it-all exposed beams and fernery through the windows. I'd call it Namaste and only wear long skirts and stuff. And yoga pants occasionally. Obviously."

So. I finish school in a week, the sun is ABSOLUTELY amazing at the moment, and the world is gradually opening up to me doorway by doorway. I'll never open a yoga studio, i can't even do yoga because my mind is loud and my body unwilling. Besides, who am i kidding? Green tea is yucky.

The thing about love.

The thing about love at the beginning, is that it's just a matter of timing. It's the he and the she or the he and the he or the she and the she that just fall on the same page, same paragraph, same line, same tiny little word, all at the same time. And you are thinking "wow, this person GETS it. They get me and the world as i know it" Then it happens again!! Then maybe even another time and by then you are thinking "Well if we have covered this much time and space, maybe we should just stick to it."
And then you do and even when you are reading from another book you still glance over and see that YES!! Their book contains all the ands and don'ts and shes and hes that your book has. So you stick with it a bit longer and when the words get boring you look at the pictures and when the pictures no longer appeal you stare out the window for a little while.
Then you work on it and write chapters together entitled "The time we decided to buy a house" or "Once upon a time we created human life." And those chapters are enough to keep reading.

But it's the start bit thats gets you. That opening line. The smile on a tram. The "oh i love that book" that has you sizing them up and wondering if they hold your happily ever after.

Duck off.

I've been drawing loads of ducks lately. They seem to be popping up everywhere with their perky beaks and brisk feathery tails. I think it's something to do with the gentle curve of the necks and their beady, soulful eyes.
Leunig says they are gentle observers.
Maybe i need to be more gentle and observant.

Everything is Illuminated.

I am obsessed by this novel.
It is different, quirky, multilayered. I want everyone in the world to read it.
I just accosted a man in a book shop. He was quietly browsing the Penguin Classics area and was straying dangerously from said book.

"Do you have Jonothan Safran Foer's other novel?" I asked the assistant loudly as i gestured wildly towards E.I.I.
"No i do not." He said, not even glancing up from the computer screen.
"Well....you should get it in....he is incredible." I nod emphatically at the other customer.

Working in retail myself, i know how annoying it is when someone tells you how to do your job, as though you have a direct line to every single distributor in the country.

"Have you seen the film?" He asks finally looking up, eager to ascertain my linguistic prowess.
"There's a film?" I throw back, poker face.
"Touche"

Meanwhile, the other customer has picked up said novel and it reading the back of it.

"I am always hesitant to watch movies of novels. I mean, we all saw what happened with Eat Pray Love."

We roll our eyes simultaneously.

"Give me your phone number" says the assistant. "I'll get that book and sms you when it comes in."

The other customer sidles up, next to me at the counter. I glance down. Everything is Illuminated.

"You will love it" the crazy bookshop lady says to the frightened man.

Game, set and match.

Thirty

So my friends, this week marked my 29 and a half birthday. You know what this means right? Yep, in six months time i will be living it up in Paris-tanned, relaxed, hopefully drunk and definitely 30.
I'm not sure if i am ready for thirty. Here is why:

I still paint each nail and different colour and think it looks rad.
I have no Private Health Insurance or ambulance cover.
The thought of having a child makes me want to call The Department of Children's Services.
I think "because i don't want to" is a good enough reason to not get a real job/wash my hair/do the dishes/eat stuff that might contain nutrients.
I shop at Sportsgirl.
I have no idea how much i get paid, who i have my super with and which tax bracket i fall into.
I also don't know my own post code.
I watch Gossip Girl and The Hills and can relate to the characters and their dilemmas about hair straighteners and boys.
I can't drink a full strength coffee without going a bit stupid.
What is the difference between a Pinot Noir, Cab Sav and a Shiraz anyway?

But you know what? I am actually okay with all these things. And i have not always been. Maybe that is what 30 will be for me.

Hot, hot, heat.

Is it just me, or are there REALLY good looking men everywhere in Melbourne lately?

Maybe it's Spring time. Maybe it's the fact i am single. Maybe they have been here all along but i have been too emo to notice.

Whatever the reason, thank you universe for giving me such luscious eye candy. It makes jogging a billion times more enjoyable. Oh and if you can make it a few degrees hotter, that would also be great. The only thing better than a hot man is a hot man with no shirt on.

xxxx

Just joking.

People keep saying to me lately:
"What are you in such a good mood about?" and "Someone seems happy today!"
And i think to myself " Well yeah...I'm a happy person...."
My whole life, people have described me as bubbly, sweet, funny, cute, happy.

And then i remember, a year and a half ago, an atom bomb went off in my life and wiped the happy right off my face.

People who have only know me a short time must wonder who this person is. Distant, often disconnected, sensitive, bored. Someone in one of my classes said i had an overdeveloped self protection mechanism. And well yes, i do these days. I have grey hairs now, my dad always says "you look tired" and i swear i have more wrinkles than before. I don't trust very easily. I have trouble letting people in. I am guarded.

But the happy is coming back. I can feel it. I have more energy. I laugh a lot. I have stopped crying every second day. I'm not so sad. I have accepted what has happened. I am working on moving forward. I'm going to sell my engagement ring but keep all my wedding photos.

I will never be the same as i was. I have discarded the cute, refined the funny and am careful about the sweet. So no, i will never be the same. I will be something better though. (and yes i did see Eat Pray Love and no, i am not just copying her.)

On another note, i walked/ran 6.5km today. And i hardly complained at all at the gym last night.
Except for saying "I hate you, i hate exercise, and i hate coming here" when my trainer asked me why i was in such a good mood.
I hope he realised i was just joking.

Checking in

This blog has become quite the European Vacation meets Whinge Festival 2010 lately.

Here's what else has been happening regarding jogging:

Not much.

Walking at least?

yes.

Friday: 3.5km
Sunday: 3.6km
Monday: 5.5km.
with little bursts of running in between.

And i did see the Melbourne Marathon runners on Sunday morning so that is ALMOST the same as doing the actual run.
Remember wayyyyy back in January that was my goal? To run the half marathon? I am pushing it back to 2011. I will be 30 then and that is a good enough reason for me.

I'm restless. I feel like making some big changes around here. I guess that is lucky because i have only 9 classes left. That is a big change in itself.

Adding on Italy.

So...flights from Paris to Rome are ridiculously cheap. And my sister has a relative or some such who has offered us their Italian holiday home. When i read Eat Pray Love I flew to Rome and took these photos. I'm about to go and watch the movie.

Can i part with you for Paris?

This has become my mantra and gosh, has it been getting a work out the last few days.
I really need to stop spending money on nonsense and start saving for things like plane tickets to romantic European cities.
Resisting potential purchases by asking myself "Can i part with you for Paris?" has been quite effective.

A muffin with that coffee ? no thank you.
The entire Fluer Wood spring collection? oui oui i can part with you.
Can i part with a copy of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close? I sure can. That's what libraries are for.
What about those cute jeans in the window? okay...i guess
New nail polish? but i love nail polish....
And tickets to the Lemonheads in December? Well now you are just going too far.
You don't really need new water colour pencils do you? Not really but they are so pretty.
And you can live without buying that expensive organic fair trade coffee and just have instant, yes? I refuse to answer that on the basis that it will incriminate me.

But I have been very restrained with cafes and restaurants and have actually cooked about 10 times this week. Every time i bite into another cheese and avocado sandwich i just remember how sweet the croissants with be on the banks of the Seine.

Spring

You know how i know it is Spring? By looking in my handbag.

Contents include 3 pairs of sunglasses, hay fever tablets and an assortment of tram tickets (i keep accidently getting drunk in the sunshine and having to leave my car in inconvenient places.)
I like Spring. It is not as obviously seductive as Summer, nor as stand offish as Winter. I used to love Autumn but now it reminds me of weddings and death. nice. So Spring it is!

I started Spring cleaning my room today. Moving shoes around, rearranging visual diaries, considering chucking my 5000 books that occupy every single surface available. I got to the desk "area" (It does seem to spread itself out) and paused-is there really any need? I have 10 classes left, I write my essays in cafes and the desk top is quite handy for holding clothes, makeup and stray canvases. Maybe after two years of study, i can finally admit that i have terrible study habits. Even the desk chair was relegated to the sunroom after being assessed as useless to me about 6 months ago. I have two essays to write. Maybe i can just stick to the theme and enjoy writing them as i sip coffee and sniff flowers, instead of trying to contort into Madam Academic who has a clean desk and somewhere to sit.

Done.

David Bromley is selling his house and other local news.

Hi y'all.

I just went for a 6.5km walk/run/wander through the wonderful streets of St Kilda. I constantly whinge about how boring the suburbs are-all those tree lined streets and power walking mums-with-prams. Cafes on every available corner, the beach outside my front door, community gardens offering up mint and chickens and rabbits to pat. Gosh, what a shit place to live.

I think i get bored of this place because it's all so old hat to me. I have these spoilt brat blinkers on that prevent me from truly appreciating how lucky i am. But today i tried. I watched the roller coaster at Luna Park until i felt vicarious dizziness and even took my ipod out of my ears as i walked down Acland street. I sprinted through the gardens where i got married and held my breath as i walked past my ex husbands apartment (remember doing that as a kid when you walked past a cemetery? Or was that just me?) and I finally felt like It's a Pretty Beautiful Place to Live.

Also, my favourite artist is selling his house. His house which happens to have his murals covering the walls. This to me is like buying the skirt and the supermodel waist line. Does anyone have a spare 3.5 million i can have? You can totally come to stay whenever you like. I'll even buy you a coffee.

xxxx

Lets go to Paris before we get old and ugly.

This is what my sister just said to me down the phone. And I cannot think of a single reason why this is not the best idea I have ever heard.

I spent an afternoon in Paris last February. In transit from Amsterdam to London, it was less glamourous than one might imagine. I did drink coffee and eat cake as i waited for the Eurostar to arrive though, all the while promising myself i would be back one day to ride a moped to Notra Dame and doodle in my Moleskin for hours on end.

We have decided to go in the Spring time which coincides with my 30th birthday which coincides with my divorce being finalised which coincides with what a great time to get out of Melbourne and wear pretty dresses in the sunshine.

I am imagining we will live it up like these two femme fatales did when they visited one episode, i mean day:



Okay, okay, so we may not be 20 year old Teen Vogue interns, but sometimes, when Whitney has not had much sleep, i kinda look like her. If i pull my hair into a bun and squint while looking in the mirror.

The main point is, I love traveling, i love my sister and i cannot think of a better way to spend my birthday, n'est-ce pas?

Closing night of whinge fest 2010

Good afternoon.

I have GOT to get out of this headspace i am currently occupying as i have an essay to write in the next few hours.

So here is the good news:

I love my new ipod. It is really pretty.
On Friday i walked 4km,
On Saturday i walked 4.5km
Sunday i didn't walk but i did work which is almost the same.
And today i have walked 2km and will go for another walk AFTER i have done my essay.
This is all good news.

I just slept for 12 hours after my weirdly emotional day yesterday. It seems like yesterday was a week ago.

I only have 12 more classes left. In my entire thing. I hope i learn some useful stuff.

That is all.

Sunday.

I found out today that your cousin passed away on Friday.
"I have some bad news" you said, looking me straight in the eye.
Like a punch to my stomach, i felt the news crash into my orbit.
Your eyes! The truth was in your eyes and for a split second i wondered when i had seen you look like that before....
Bad news? For you to call it bad, i knew it must be terrible. I knew what was coming. I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop since your mother died. Every time i speak to you, i feel like something awful is going to come out of your mouth. Some tragedy, some pain, some shocking, slapping reality check about the world being not-so-great-after-all. "She's dead, I'm leaving." What's next? When you call my phone more than once in a day i assume that you have an inoperable cancer and that you are phoning from the hospital, to blurt the news out in a rush of garbled sounds, no regard for the woman on the receiving end. My radar is set to Panic when it comes to you, my dear. I hear it in my head seconds before you say anything. You are always calling about your tax return or to ask what the cats date of birth is and i am bracing myself for a side swipe.
Not this time though.

Your family, is no longer my family. The ties of marriage have been severed, responsibility absolved. i will not be flying up to Sydney with you. i will not stand by your side during the funeral. i will not shake my head about a life so tragically cut short. I will not hold your hand through this one.
I just squeezed your arm and watched from a distance as grief warped your features (again.) I know it was hard for you to say the words. So sickeningly familiar.
Because it was suicide. And that makes me sick. It makes me cry and feel numb all at once. How much does one family have to withstand? Is it genetic? Why does this keep happening?
The last conversation i had with him was about karaoke. We drank beer and talked about your mother. Fuck.

I have no words. i have no answers. I have nothing to offer you in this. I am just sorry for you. I am sorry for his parents. I am sorry for his sister and his brother and your sister and your brother and everyone in the whole wide world who ever goes through this.
It challenges my world view. changes my ever evolving belief system. Bad things do happen to good people. This is life. And sometimes it is just fucking unfair.

And late one night i thought of this

Real life is not life the movies, because in real life, people are not brave. In real life, people have scars and hurts and protect their hearts like age old secrets. Echo chambers of pain reverberating “not too close, not too close.”

One of the problems with love is that when you stand facing each other, you are actually looking in opposite directions.

To Do List.✓

Things to do on October 1st 2010:

Confirm appointment for tomorrow for eye lash extension (no i am not a stripper.) ✓
Talk with crazy old neighbour about mail ✓
Go to work, do very little actual work. ✓
Brush hair ✓
Walk in the sunshine ✓
Have a thousand inane conversations about the weather ✓
Continue to live in denial about having hay fever (it is a spring cold god damn it) ✓
Get dressed in a pretty dress
Go to a lovely friends home
drink red wine
Dance
Laugh
Fall asleep tired, but happy.

Pinch and a Punch to you. ☀♥♣